The Juice Box

Update: I have a bachelors degree. It turns out that the fear of failure actually did end up kicking in at the last minute. I graduated sin magna, summa, laude with a half decent GPA and Bachelors in Fine Arts with a concentration in painting. Riveting. Don’t let my enthusiasm fool you, I am very grateful to have received an education. To have been immersed in an academic setting among peers and educators who pushed me to think critically and earnestly about things is a special experience. I’m sure a lot of people in my position are left with the million dollar question post undergrad: what now? Fortunately for me, it seems I have it answered for now. Or do I?

I have an internship lined up for the summer and I will be joining Peace Corps Morocco in September later this year where I will be in a town in Morocco for two years serving youth in development. I’m so glad to have the next couple years planned out but to say I didn’t have doubts or fears would be deceptive. Millions of questions circle through my mind like “is this the right decision?”, “is this the right country?”, “am I making a mistake by not pursuing a career now?”, “what if I have regrets?”. These are thoughts that lasso themselves around my mind and feel debilitating. Not having absolute confidence in my decisions is something I have always struggled with. Often times I ask people to tell me what to do when I can’t make a decision for myself. Like if I should do laundry now or tomorrow night. Defrost the meat in the morning or the night before before. Menial things. I wish I could extend this same questioning to larger decisions and be told what to do like “where should I got to college?” , “what grad school should I apply to?” , “what should I do with my life?” It might seem insane that I think this way but I think it comes from a fear of regret. I hate to admit that I think I already have some pretty significant ones in my life. It’s not healthy to think about “what if’s” and imagine your past differently. But I do have thoughts about what my life would be like if I went to a different college or made different choices in high school. But there is no benefits from thinking this way and I know that…but curiosity gets the best of me.

While I know there is no guarantee in life to always make the right choice, here is my brief survival guide to attempt to not totally fuck up. Still in its drafting stage and yet to be deployed but I digress.

1. READ EVERYTHING.
2. Slow down.
3. Be ok with being the dumbest person in the room. In fact seek it out.
4. Listen.
5. Experience things through intention and not chance.
   • But also be open to the unexpected

Poet William Earnest Henry says in Invictus, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” and Timothee Chalamet says “but you have realize that life is coming from you and not at you”. Lines that have burned themselves into my mind since hearing them in a thirty second clip of Chalamet and his Dune costar Zendaya in an interview. It is a simple phrase but so important. It is an intrinsically human concept to make your own decisions. Walk your own path, and pave your own trail. As I continue to live my life I will keep this in mind. I will naturally carry my swirly anxiety with me every step of way the way but the more life I live the more equipped I am to deal with it.