The Juice Box

Here is a confession that is going to make a lot of people really mad. I hate being in school. Maybe this is a common sentiment for people but in my world it seems like it’s akin to blasphemy. I value learning and growing but, being in a classroom feels like purgatory. Education of course the key that opens doors to your future financially and intellectually, of course. This is not lost on me. But now that I and many other people have been in classrooms for almost 16 years, I feel the redundancy is becoming the undoing of my passion to learn.

Some people are built for school. They are organized, know how to study, care about their grades and how their lives impact their education. It was something I always wanted to know how to do. Was this forced discipline? Learned behavior? Or was God in a good mood the day they were made? My entire life I have hated test taking, sitting in a classroom, and studying. The feeling that maybe you are the dumbest one in the class, and experiencing academic rigor that was suited for one type of learning which was sit still, listen, take notes, study. Something I have never known to work well with. I’m not saying that this was too hard or that I didn’t enjoy learning new things but it wasn’t exciting to sit in a chair all day. This never motivated me to show up. I did because I had to. I was always a talker. On my report cards I would always get comments that I was too chatty and I knew I was. Being with friends would always been more exciting than listening to the teacher. The days that excited me the most in my K-12 eduction were days when I didn’t have to sit in a classroom and do boring worksheets or pamphlets. I loved discussions, I cared about my creative writing, I loved field trips, and art. These were the things that made the “important” classes like algebra and biology somewhat tolerable. I gave a shit about my grades then. Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe I have never been motivated by the fear of getting C’s and D’s in my grade book. I have never been a 4.0 or straight A student and it never seemed to bother me. I just showed up to school to leave. Now as a college student I don’t think these feelings have evolved much. I chose an art degree to have an unconventional mode of learning and I absolutely have. It’s the other classes that make me feel like I have magnets strapped to my ankles and wrists and the ground is one big metal plate that I must drag my limbs across just to go outside. Like getting this one underwhelming piece of paper that says I went and committed to something for 4 years of my life was behind a wall of jagged stone. The mental toughness is the hardest part. When you have given up on school, on yourself, what is left to motivate you to complete your degree? Well your parents spent all this money for you to be here, aren’t you grateful? Endlessly. You’re so close to a major city, don’t you think you should take advantage of it? Yes. You’ve worked so hard, shouldn’t you push to the last stretch of the semester? Yes. Yes to it all. But what is the gas in my tank? What is the fuel I need in order for me to use all my strength to pick my limbs up off the magnetic floor and walk into my classrooms with pride and eagerness.

What do you to to stay motivated when you feel like nothing drives you?