The Juice Box

Somehow along these many years from my last year of high school to my last year of college, I  have turned into somewhat of a young woman and yet the themes of my life have never changed. I have always been a seeker of self and in pursuit of big answers and bigger questions. I have slowly bloomed and continue to grow into an adult and real person. An identifiable agent of humanity and a nuanced body of spirit and imperfection. I continue to seek out the divine in the universe and within myself, getting continuously closer to the conclusion that they are much closer and connected than I know.  My mind expands like the universe yet an equal amount of curiosity is left with each inquiry. 

I am addicted to my own archive. A documentation of my life and proof of growth. It has shown me the same patterns that drive me and pull me into life. The same patterns of identity, faith, and love that all evade me and also push me to never stop asking and seeking that which may be unknowable. But emotionally tangible. In time I will continue to learn how to put language to these nuances of self but my current youth is not yet equipped with the tools needed to build the framework of who I really am. But I will continue to walk on this earth with eyes open wide and heart equally so. I am easily swayed by the darkness of hatred, pain, and fear and it stings off the tip of my tongue at the worst moments. So I will continue to learn how to manage this and turn red fueled itching into a cooling touch. Practice kindness and good faith, cleanliness and small deeds. 

The tangibility of my self record will act as an accountability receipt. A monitor of internal evolution and a transformation, while trying to keep my roots firmly grasped into the ground. I want my future self to have a record not of her youth but of her desperate need to communicate with something larger than herself. To see the effort I put into documenting this time. It is all fleeting, and if one day all that’s left of me is my silly little books, then I will have lived a life that was worth the time to live.